Asking Ourselves Those Difficult Questions

There are occasions in our lives when we are faced with questions that we never imagined would be asked of us. Those questions come from within us as we travel on the journey of life and are really difficult to answer. Whatever answer we come up with, are likely to change our lives dramatically. Unless this has happened to you, it is difficult to comprehend the concept.

Let me explain how it happened to me!

I am in my early sixties and have had a fairly routine life, working for others, having my own businesses and doing the things that I wanted to do, for myself and my family. I have an inherent desire to assist other people, I don’t carry grudges – believing that what has happened has happened and we should get on with life, and do not see myself as someone particularly important or someone who is going to change the world.

I was quite happy to plod along, earning a living, loving my wife and family and carrying for those around me. I was in good health, reasonably fit for my age, willing to have a go at anything and quite happy with my lot!

Then things suddenly changed.

I became ill and after nine months of medical intervention was diagnosed with bowel cancer. Luckily for me it was found at an early stage because the effect of the cancer had caused serious pain in my chest and heart. Once it was discovered, I was cut open and the cancer and my large bowel and some other bits removed. It was a reasonably simple operation taking a few hours and it appeared to have been very successful. After about six weeks I was well enough to face a six month period of chemotherapy to reduce any chance that cancerous cells had found their way into other parts of my body.

This on-going treatment however, did cause me some issues which resulted in damage to my pancreas and nerve system. Eventually they stopped the chemo as my condition deteriorated and concerns were raised about the long term effects of these problems. The result was that I now have diabetes and an on-going pain issue.

Once all this was resolved back in early May this year, I then went into a six month period of recovery from the chemo, adjusting my lifestyle to deal with the pain and changing my diet to compensate for the diabetes.  I have to admit that this has not been easy and as I write this, it has not been completely resolved.

You may think that all these events that have been going on for 22 months now, are bad enough. Indeed they are very challenging and hard to face every day. My wife and family have been amazingly supportive and I really could not ask more of them. However, like many people, I feel that I have to stand on my own two feet and deal with these issues myself. I tend to keep quiet about the pain that plagues me most days, although I cannot hide it from my wife.

But these issues are only the visible effects of being ill. Behind the scenes are other things that get forgotten about initially but rear their ugly head later on. For eighteen months I have not earned a penny of income and that means that our family budget has been reduced by around 60% each month. Our savings have been slowly reducing until they no longer exist.  In an effort to save money, our standard of living has also dropped dramatically. Not just mine – but my wife’s as well.

In addition my wife now worries about her job as it once provided the cream on our cake, but now it is the only form of income we have. She had two jobs just to generate as much as she can. Her main job is not secure as the business she works for has been sold to a competitor and her branch office might be closed at any time. This pressure upon her also put pressure on me to try and get back to work to provide for my family, as I believe it is my role to do!

The question that now faces me is simply this.

Where do I go from here?

The answer is almost impossible to determine.

My health will probably never return to what it was before. I have a statistically reasonable chance that cancer will re-appear at some stage. My life expectancy is also statistically reduced dramatically as a result. I will face continual treatment and monitoring over the next seven years.

I am nearly 62 years of age and my previous skills in IT and management are no longer that valid and therefore I probably will only find work in an unskilled role.

The economic situation is such that jobs are difficult to find anyway, and in the unskilled areas almost impossible. With the government introducing plans to subsidise the cost of employing young people, the number of older people looking for work will increase as these positions are taking by younger, and cheaper to employ, people.

To frustrate the matter even further, our savings have gone and as a result, starting another business is not going to be very viable. Banks don’t like lending money at the moment, so a new start-up is going to get little or no help what-so-ever. What is more, I do have a number of ideas as to what sort of business I could start, all of them with lots of potential. However without resources I have little or no chance of starting even just one of them.

If I was not a positive individual I could quite easily give up, bury my head in the sand and wait for the inevitable to happen.

Well let’s assume that I can’t find work, and can’t find anyone to help me launch a new business. Let’s also assume that my health does not improve and I have no option but to put up my feet, watch lots of telly, and wait for the commencement of that final journey to heaven, hell or as food for the worms. Sounds likely to me!

But something is bothering me.

I knew an old gentleman back in 2004, who told me that he had become seriously ill in his late fifties. He was informed that he would be probably only live another year or two.  When I last spoke to him he was an amazing 103 years of age and as far as I know, he is still alive today. He told me that he lived every day as it happened. A hearty breakfast, keep occupied (he got a maths degree at 92), never watch television and don’t ever give-up! Sounds like great advice!

But that is what bothers me. What happens if I live to be 70, 80, 90 or even older? With modern health provision and people living longer it is projected that a normal healthy person of my age will live to be 91. Will I look back and question any decisions that I make today? Will I see my life as a waste? Will I regret not doing something to help myself and others? After all I have worked since I was 15 but life didn’t really start happening until I was 21 and that is 40 years ago. If I am to live until I am 91 that is another 30 years – nearly half my productive life!

When we are faced with these issues, especially health problems that suddenly appear we are knocked off that road that we were on. We spend time recovering and these events change the way we think and act.  Our future is suddenly on a different road. Our destination has changed, our desires are modified, our needs and those of the people around have to be adjusted.  Life is different; the questions we ask ourselves change and the answers are hard to swallow.

So what do we do? What do I do? What road do I want to be on? What expectations do my wife and family have? Will I see 91 and wish I had done something? Is it all worth it?

Well the answer is not showing itself yet, but I am beginning to understand deep inside myself that I must not give up; I should plan to celebrate my 91^st birthday and simply see the events of the last two years as a simple ‘blip’ on my road of life!

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